Winter Really Happened, There

For the first several months after I separated from my ex-husband, I couldn’t stop sleeping. Every moment I wasn’t specifically needed, I sought out my bed and collapsed into sleep. Except for those long, terrible nights (most of them) when I couldn’t sleep at all. Interestingly, I only cried once, on what would have been my 25th anniversary with my ex. Instead, I lost all control of my sleep. The spigot was either all the way on or all the way off. At night, I was terrified. During the day I was lethargic.

During those absolutely torturous, hopeless months: I had one job - to grieve. Fortunately, I had a kid to care for and cats to tend, so my days had structure - feed cats, do the morning school run, do the afternoon school run, feed the cats. Manage paying the bills, do the dishes, acquire groceries, eat. Grieve, grieve, and grieve some more.

During that time, I tried to push out of it. I rejoined my church so I could make friends, I started volunteering at the library, I made plans for a career, I taught piano lessons, I set up my apartment. But the truth is, I was pushing the wheelbarrow up a flight of stares, because, admirable as my efforts were, it wasn’t time yet to plan. It was time to feel the hurt. Now, nearly a year later, - the anniversary of my separation is in four days - I’m grateful for the community I gathered around me. I’m impressed with myself that I made it all happen.

But now, now that I feel some energy, some hope, some revitalized oomph for brainstorming and playing, now that I’m feeling joy again, feeling contentment, I understand that I needed that season to be absolutely beside myself with sadness. It was a year-long winter, and I needed to hibernate, heal, and rest. Now, appropriately, it’s spring, and I’m thinking that now is a time when it feels very natural to start playing with the next opportunities and plans for my new life.

So, while I may not be all the way done with wintering, spring is warming it’s way in, and I’m very glad to feel its warmth and to hear the song of birds as they migrate north.