I’m going to nap after I write this

Last night, after I drove my son to his dad’s place, I planned out how to have a nice night. I decided I’d cook myself a nice dinner, plan to snack on Doritos after, sing along with some kirtan, and watch a documentary.

The documentary was Listers: A Glimpse into Extreme Birdwatching

It’s beautiful, self-aware, funny, and endlessly creative.

And it was lovely. I ate my dinner, poured myself some snackin’ Doritos, watched the documentary, and sang along (softly, because night) with some kirtan music. I was warm, full, amused, and swaying back and forth, singing catchy little chants. When I crawled into bed, it was cool and cozy at the same time, and, when I turned off the lights, I was asleep quickly.

Two things: I took the initiative to design myself a pleasant little night. And I was very lonely.

Last night I honored my autonomy and respected myself enough to plan for my pleasure, my nourishment, and my delight. And, within that, I felt alone. There is nothing straightforward or linear about grief and healing.

In the context of that, all I can do is congratulate myself for designing a nice night and following through. And I can acknowledge that I’m still very lonely sometimes. Here I am, a little up, a little down, and all the way right here, in this particular moment of my life.